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All posts for the month April, 2010

Idiot’s Guide to Courting a “Jackie”

Published April 30, 2010 by Jackie

I’ve been in Arkansas for about two weeks. And in these two weeks, I’ve done a lot of personal reflection on where people, mostly men, have gone wrong with me. They seem to think I’m some kind of Prada wearing Paris clone. Or some kind of ultra trendy scene kid. Their largest misconception is that I’m easy. I’m anything but easy, and if you ask anybody who’s been in a room with me for more than ten minutes, they’ll tell you that the closest they see as far as a name brand on me happens to be a band tee from Hot Topic.

First and foremost, I’m a nerd. I play video games. I know how a computer works. I graduated from high school and I wemt to college. Usually, unless the occasion calls for it, I speak proper English. And I really couldn’t care less about what the hell the Kardashians are up to, nor do I wish to keep up with them. I watch Pokemon in my pajamas while eating Fruity Pebbles on Sunday mornings. I’m in a Dagorhir clan. This means that sometimes, I dress up in funny clothing and beat people up with PVC pipe wrapped in foam and cloth. Nothing about this screams typical girl. So don’t treat me like one. I have a brain that can comprehend more then just shoes. I actually like and support communication. And I don’t just mean asking me if I’m going to eat all of my fries.

All the jewelry I -would- wear, I happen to own. I have my hatchet man chain (don’t hate.) as well as a key on a necklace. I have my dead grandmother’s engagement ring. I have some cloth chokers for special occasions. I have some wrist bands and cheap bracelets. So don’t buy me jewelry unless it happens to be made of candy. Ear gauges and body mods are always welcome.

I don’t do fancy restaurants. Nothing fancier than Forte up in Jamestown, NY. Don’t take me to some ritzy candle lit place where a dinner salad costs $30. In case you haven’t realized, I’m not a super model. I’m thick and healthy looking. This means that I’m a girl who eats. Food. Who would have thought? Take me to a gas station and buy me some pizza logs. Better yet. Get a cooking for dumbasses guide and make me some pasta or rice. I’ll eat just about anything you put in front of me, especially if you make it. EPIC HINT: I love Hawaiian pizza. My favorite desert is strawberry topped cheesecake. Or ice cream. Something involving strawberry and vanilla.

Marriage is no substitute for raw love. While marriage and its’ ideals are a novel and glorious idea, it’s futile and expensive. I’ve been engaged. And it was lovely until reality set in that I most likely wouldn’t be with them for that long. Which I wasn’t. And I don’t do divorce. I’m not going to pay to break it off with someone when I can just do it now for free. Someday, I might change my mind on this. But not right now. I’ve witnessed too many bad unhappy divorces, and I fear that those run in my family.

Don’t be a jealous fuck nut. I have male friends. Fucking deal with it. Once upon a time I had my head up someone’s ass so far that I had forsaken and abandoned all of my male friens because he was jealous of how close I was to them. He couldn’t understand that these were people that I see as my FAMILY. If you tell me to choose between you and someone like Tracy, Trav, Ariston, anybody, then you’ll find yourself out of my life faster than Superman on coke.

Easily attained love isn’t worth as much. Now, don’t read in to this wrong. I’m not telling you to jump through hoops. I’m simply stating that you need to put in some effort. Become my friend and let it elevate and rise in to something romantic. I prefer to perserve a friendship as best to my ability. It’s why I’m friends with a great deal of my ex’s. Because they were my best friends. I want good character, not good looks. I want reliability. I want to be able to call you at three in the morning because my car broke down and not have you hang up on me because it’s three in the fucking morning.

Above and beyond all else, be understanding and open minded. I’m weird. I’m strange. I like to roast marshmallows off of burning buildings. I dance in the rain. I’m a little different and a little crazy, but I’m a lot of fun and quite silly!

My favorite flowers are sun flowers. Please don’t pick them unless we’re baking sun flower seeds or planting more sun flowers. In stead of getting me flowers, walk with me through a flower field. Lay with me in the grass and cuddle while we pick out stars and constellations. Stare at the moon with me and dance in the rain regardless of who’s looking. Grab me on the side walk and just kiss me. Walk barefoot with me along the east coast beaches and just listen to the water crashing on the shore. Tale me for a midnight drive around a lake. I don’t need to go on an expensive date. If you have to pay to take me somewhere, take me to a good concert where local bands rule the stage. We can compare battle wounds at Denny’s over hot chocolate or coffee.

I don’t do chick flicks. I do Disney movies, action, romantic comedy, straight up comedy, but not chick flicks. You come up to me with The Notebook and I’ll probably wire your jaw shut. Bring me the new Alice, and I’m captivated.

Don’t get me stuffed animals. I’m 23. The only acceptions to this are moogles, tonberries, and cactuars. The most romantic thing you can give me is a cd of songs with the words “Mix Tape” on it. Or little doodles. I’m a sucker for artsy things. Avoid buying me clothes unless you hear me physically say I like it. Or if it has a hatchet man on it. I’ll never turn down a hatchet man. The most romantic thing you could do for me is take me on a sun set picnic and stare up at Orion with me, one ear bud in your ear and one in mine, listening to all the songs that make us think of each other while cuddling in the grass.

MOST IMPORTANT: DO NOT try to court me just to get in my pants. You’ll find your cranium split faster than your brain can process the rejection. Sex is sex. Romance is romance. Romance can involve sex. Don’t try to confuse me.

I’m really not that complicated or complex. And once you have me, you really HAVE me. I’m a great girlfriend once you can accept that I’m not just a girl.

SO STOP TREATING ME LIKE I’M A FUCKING PLASTIC BARBIE BITCH!!! *shakes a fist*

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