All posts for the month July, 2011

My Mother: Cooler Than The Other Side of the Pillow

Published July 31, 2011 by Jackie

You know what kind of makes me sick? When people don’t appreciate their parents. Not just their parents, but their mothers. I know that this would be a little more appropriate around Mother’s Day but I’m doing it now in stead. Maybe I’ll do something like this every day.

(My mom i the one holding us. I’m the cute little booger in the pink, and the one in green is my twin sister Jenn.)

10 Reasons Why My Mom Can Kick Your Mom’s Ass

  1. She can bake like a beast! You ever get this weird thought? You know, like “I wonder what apple cobbler and cherry cobbler would taste like combined..” Well, my mother is ballsy enough in the kitchen to mix the two dishes together and use me a a taste testing dummy. Hats off to a woman who knows how to keep her daughter squishy.
  2. My mother does not take shit from ANYBODY. I don’t care if you’re a cop. Because I saw her do it to a cop once. I was kind of young in my teenage years when I was in a bit of a physical altercation. That’s a fancy way of saying I was punched in the eye.  The cops said that there was nothing that could happen because we were too young and there was no bruise. My mother stood there in front of Sinclairville’s finest and promptly said “You mean to tell me that my daughter can run up to this girl and hang her by her hair from the jungle gym down at the park, and she can get away with that? You don’t want to tell me that.” I think she made the cop crap himself.
  3. My mother has the best vocabulary. I have heard the most creative things come out of her mouth when she’s pissed. So creative and potentially offensive that I can’t really post it here… you know… in case her boss ever comes across this…
  4. She kicked my ass at Yoshi’s Island and Donkey Kong. And my other still plays games. You should send her a cow on FrontierVille or join her mob in Mafia Wars.
  5. She would wake up mad early with me to watch Two Stupid Dogs. We later then obtained two chocolate labs. We really should have named them after said Two Stupid Dogs. R.I.P. Buster and Jackson.
  6. I will always have a bedroom at y mother’s. Do you have any idea how many people take that for granted? A LOT. Because of my mother, I never have to be homeless.
  7. My mother paid for all of my back to school clothes. You need to understand that I used to be a fashion snob. I ONLY wore clothes from Hot Topic. You have to figure that Tripp pants were about $60 – $80 a piece (depending on possible sale) and that the fancy fake corsets were about $40 a piece. She bought 5 sets of said pants every year. She also bought 5 fun shirts a year. And clothes in between. Do the math. (By the way, mom… when you read this, know that I am REALLY sorry for costing you a small fortune on shit that I could have made for less than a quarter of the price.)
  8. My mother would be completely okay if I just dropped my life and became a rock star. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s already expected it to happen. She did get me in to guitar when I was younger.
  9. Speaking of music, my mother listens to Tool and The Foo Fighters. Enough said.
  10. My mother probably has my old school convinced that she’s a mobster. There’s some back story here. See, when I was in the 8th grade I was doing this project for math class. i was teaching my class how to find the radius, circumference, and diameter of a pizza. This is a very important detail to remember. A few days before my big presentation, I was accused of having a gun in my locker. Did they search my belongings? Did they check my locker? Did they even tell me what was going on? No. They suspended me for 3 days. I was suspended and it wasn’t even my fault. I was pretty much accused of this because I dressed like Marilyn Manson’s poster child in a hick school out in farm land. But that’s beside the point. What did she do? She ditched work to go mall rat with me and take me shopping in Erie. So after my suspension, I go back to school as if nothing happened. My mother has her meeting with the school about how they violated their own policy the day of my presentation. So she shows up in her pinstripe suit with boxes of pizza, and the receptionist looks at her like she’s carting disassembled guns in there. Because of this, my mother is fantastic.