All posts for the month August, 2011

If I had only known this years ago…

Published August 22, 2011 by Jackie

I’ve been having reflective moments lately. I’m not exactly sure why. I guess I’m not used to NOT being on auto pilot. Before I continue, you should be warned that this will have absolutely NO composition. I’m going to attempt this “free writing” thing I hear so much about these days. Where was I? Oh yeah. I had to take myself off of auto pilot. It’s been mostly work and attempting to sleep. Usually I auto pilot during my down time at work, but that could be considered a hazard. I’m fond of my face and I don’t want to lose it due to not paying attention. I think people at my job think I’m weird. I’m always asking questions. I know my job isn’t rocket science. Anybody can do it. But I want to do more than just my job. I want to do my job WELL. When I work, no matter how small or insignificant the task, I try to take pride in it. Everybody needs something they’re proud of. Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of some stuff that I’ve done. But I haven’t had anything to be proud of since I brought Dawson to life. And I need something I can be proud of. Otherwise I feel like I’m wasting my time. My guitar found itself to me again. This means that I might start playing again. I probably suck ass. I haven’t touched it since I left it at my dad’s house. But that’s another story. Jump. I need to jump. I need to run face first in to my fears and leap. Why can’t I leap, Al? Hah. Most of you will be too young to get that pop culture reference. Pop culture is disgusting, anyways. I feel like I’ve been wasting my time. I need to not waste my time. I need to not waste my life. I need something. Change? Obviously. But nobody changes over night. And when I do change, who will still be around when the dust settles? I guess it will tell me who should really matter in my life. I’m wasting my time typing this. Wait, am I? Or will this help me realize some deep secret about myself that I never really knew? If I know, is it still a secret? Secrets scare me. The unknown scares me. If I’m supposed to run face first in to my fears, then this gets to be the start.

I’m going to run face first in to the unknown. I hope I see you on the other side, dear. Don’t be a stranger. Life would suck without you randomly spying on me from the outside windows of our reality.