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All posts for the month January, 2013

My better half

Published January 5, 2013 by Jackie

This… this is what family should be. This is what relationships should be. I absolutely hate it when people engage themselves because they just hate being lonely.

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On Relationship Theory, Why Women Are Crazy, Making Soap, and Finances

Published January 4, 2013 by Jackie

I have known my dear friend Trav for over a decade now. We have a rare friendship. No matter what corners of the Earth I run to, he is always there for me. And for that I am grateful. He has seen me at my worst with my hair tussled up in a sloppy bun on top of my head, dirty pajamas, and wreaking of the debauchery from the night before. In short, he knew me when I was in High School and he witnessed my college years. I will go as far as to say that this man knows me. I mean really KNOWS me. He also knows just how much of a sucker I am for picking apart social behavior. After a night of insomnia, I woke to find my facebook riddled with Trav and one particular thing peaked my interest.

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He has a valid point. Love and sex are two completely different things. What a lot of people don’t seem to comprehend is that relationships are not all about sex and sex is not all about being in love. I’m willing to bet that when your parents became pregnant with you it might not have been because they were oh so very much in love and wanted to share it with a baby. Statistically speaking you were probably an unplanned happy accident. Why? Because humans don’t have a mating season. We screw all year. And when our hormones get involved we get very stupid. Mind you, everything I’m about to preach is solely my opinion. Why? Because this is my blog and I do what I want. But when it’s appropriate, I will provide you with some additional reading material. So, let’s kick this off. I want to start by telling you that Disney has lied to you. All of you. Disney and Shakespeare have successfully warped perception in to causing people to think that when the credits finish rolling, Cinderella isn’t on her hands and knees scrubbing the floors while her Prince Charming watches football with the bros. It brainwashes us in to thinking that Belle wasn’t in to bestiality. It causes us to believe that two teenagers who barely knew each other for two weeks offing themselves is romantic. Why? Because humans over all are dumb. Get that noise out of your head now. I’m not saying romance doesn’t exist. But I am saying that no family is like Leave It To Beaver. It’s the bane of being a part of a generation where watching Nick at Nite was considered “family time.” But do you know what these things are? Entertainment. You will save yourself a lot of divorce bills if you can understand that these things are nothing more than entertainment.

Second, studies have indicated that human beings aren’t necessarily meant to be monogamous. That’s why we experience our lives with multiple sex partners unless it goes against some kind of moral or religious belief. But that stems more in to world culture and that’s a talk for another day. While it’s nice to think that with the niches we have evolved to develop take a hand in our calling, as a species we have one purpose. To reproduce. And that is what it has been since the cave man days. Mind you, that is purely from a sociological point of view looking at the human species as a whole. I’ll get to the homosexuals/pansexuals/asexuals later. Relationships have a lot of complicated dynamics to them. There are a series of labels and definitions that go hand in hand with the variant degrees of personality archetypes. But if I go off on that tangent, I won’t ever stop. So if you’d like to read more on this perspective, check out this thread on Ted Talks about Games and Deception in Relationships. 

If you’re still with me, please understand that there is a very good chance I am going to offend you. I don’t think like a typical woman. And this whole piece happens to be an opinion piece. Most of those who read this know me in person and are already aware that I can be a touch blunt and vulgar. Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, let’s get on with this.

ImageMeet Trav. Handsome little devil, isn’t he? For this following bit I’m going to be using him as an example in three different realities. Why? Because he got me started on this before I had a chance to make my coffee this morning and I’m going to be on this all night. And because this will make more sense with constant examples.

The Circumstance: Trav and Jackie are engaged in a hypothetical committed relationship where they have an understanding. It’s their 5 year anniversary and Trav has decided to take Jackie out on a traditional American date. Dinner and a movie. After the matinee, the two drive to their local steak house. Why steak? Bitches love steak.  Upon being seated in a booth near the back, they order their appetizer and drinks. The average person would be relatively attracted to the waitress. Curvy, great skin, very symmetrical. It really doesn’t matter on the specifics. Point is, waitress kind of has it going on. For the sake of naming things, let’s call her Jane. And Jane could clearly be buried in a Y shaped coffin if you catch my drift. The waitress could just be flirting for a better tip. After all, I’m sure Jane is putting herself through college and working 2 jobs to do so. Or she could just be in to promiscuous sex with strangers. Don’t judge her. She is who she is and there’s nothing wrong with that.

In a perfect world…
Trav would mention something about the waitress and Jackie would comment on the angle of her skirt and how it contrasts the back of her knees, how the heels perk Jane’s backside and speculation. At the end of the meal, Trav would nonchalant talk the waitress in to coming home for a night cap.

IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO HAVE A THREESOME SCROLL DOWN TO PARAGRAPH 1
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO GIVE TRAV HER BLESSING TO SLEEP WITH JANE SCROLL DOWN TO PARAGRAPH 2
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO CALMLY TERMINATE THE RELATIONSHIP SCROLL TO PARAGRAPH 3

In A Stereotypical world…
Trav would mention something about the waitress and Jackie would get offended. I mean, for crying out loud. It’s their anniversary. Would it kill him to be less of a sexist pig and maybe not objectify the waitress clearly making her feel insecure? Seeing the visible disruption of Jackie’s unhappiness, Trav would reassure her that she is all he wants. Feeling skeptic, Jackie forces a smile and begins to brood and silently stew while faking a smile and eating her medium rare steak with sauteed onions and mushrooms with a small salad on the side and a glass of Tannin wine. Allow me to walk you through the phases of female crazy when it comes to feeling your territory is threatened. Mind you, some feel parts of this stronger than others do and some periods for a longer time.

Disrespect: What, does he not realize I’m right here?
Insecurity: Is she prettier than me?
Depression: Why am I even trying? He’ll just leave when something better comes along.
Temporary Defeat: Why is he even with me? Would he be happier with her? What’s wrong with me?
Smug Attitude: Wait, what’s wrong with me?! No. I busted my ass for 5 years bending over backwards. Sometimes literally. What the hell, man?!
‘Nigga Moment: Motherfucker wants to try and do me dirty?! I pack a fucking chain saw! And let that skank flash her cleavage in our face one more time! Bitch won’t look so pretty with a face full of lye!

Girls are tricky. We go through this entire cycle while politely smiling and pretending to be “perfectly fine.” Now. Back to the good stuff!

The waitress Jane uses her cunning to obtain Trav’s cell phone number and insists that his phone needs a rather promiscuous and provocative image of herself scantily clad and doing things against most health codes after hours in the kitchen. Meanwhile, Trav and Jackie engage in anniversary sex. I’m pretty sure there’s a rule somewhere stating that after you make it passed the first year, you’re obligated to give up some booty for holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. After the ritual of copulation, Trav and Jackie engage in typical romanticism post coital and Trav falls asleep. Still distraught and raging with hormones, Jackie violates the privacy Trav has by looking in his phone and comes across said picture. Now, as an observer, please remember that Trav has not exactly slept with Jane yet.

IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO THROW A FIT LIKE A MAD BLACK WOMAN WHO DOESN’T HAVE JESUS IN HER LIFE SCROLL TO PARAGRAPH 4
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO GET EVEN SCROLL TO PARAGRAPH 5
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO ROLL OVER AND CRY HERSELF TO SLEEP SCROLL DOWN TO PARAGRAPH 6
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO CALMLY TERMINATE THE RELATIONSHIP SCROLL TO PARAGRAPH 3

In the real world…
Please understand that Trav is not a typical man and I am not a typical woman. We’re very similar in nature and demeanor with key differences. For example, he’s a Catholic conservative republican and I’m a spiritual liberal democrat. I imagine the dialogue would consist of the following staple.

Trav: Insert quiet compliment directed at the waitress.
Jackie: After pretending not to look, insert a comment about how the A line skirt contrasts nicely with the nylons over the back of her knees and how her heels accent her back end. Jackie would then take a bite of her small crab salad.
Trav: Insert a pun about Jackie enjoying fish and other sea food.

The two laugh and continue to enjoy their meals until the check time. Trav, being a gentleman in nature (and knowing it would irritate Jackie in a playful way because it reinforces a gender stereotype) would pick up the check. Just before leaving the tip, Trav expresses a desire to see if the waitress is a natural [insert hair color].

IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO HAVE A THREESOME SCROLL DOWN TO PARAGRAPH 1
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO GIVE TRAV HER BLESSING TO SLEEP WITH JANE SCROLL DOWN TO PARAGRAPH 2
IF YOU WANT JACKIE TO CALMLY TERMINATE THE RELATIONSHIP SCROLL TO PARAGRAPH 3

 

PARAGRAPH 1
You wanted Jackie to engage in a threesome. You must REALLY like Trav. After the bill is taken, Jackie waltzes in to the ladies room and removes her underwear to leave as a tribute gift for the waitress Jane. This entices Jane in to following them to a motel after her shift. Don’t judge. I don’t want to clean that mess up. Jackie and Jane get better acquainted while Trav runs to the nearest convenient store to pick up proper supplies. You know, because nobody wants to get pregnant. Or diseased. And nobody knows if this chick is REALLY clean. She dots her eyes with hearts for crying out loud. After a tryst that could only be described as a penthouse letter in the making, the waitress parts ways and the couple makes their way back home to sleep the shame off. And Trav was a happy man.

PARAGRAPH 2
You wanted Jackie to give her blessing. You must like Trav. After it’s brought up, Jackie calmly and sincerely expresses that he is free to sleep with the waitress, but she was going to sit this one out. Trav looks at Jackie with skeptic eyebrows. You know the ones. But Jackie assures him that it is not a trap and that she’d think less of him if he didn’t dick the hot waitress. When the bill is paid for, Jackie wanders to a slam poetry coffee lounge to sip a chai latte while Trav has his way balls deep in the waitress. They agree to have it wrapped up (Ha! Wrapped! Get it?) by a certain time. A relatively reasonable hour. Why? Because Jackie wants to see who The Doctor is saving the world from this week. And she wants to do it from the comfort of bed. The waitress moves along. Trav cleans up the mess and replaces the sheets. Jackie comes home to Trav in the shower. Cue the romantic crap.

PARAGRAPH 3
You want Jackie to terminate the relationship. Well, what can you do? She calmly smiles and expresses that she would never keep him from what he wants, but that this was not something she could be a part of. After a serious talk and some hard core hand holding, she explains her standpoint and he explains his. Realizing that they can’t find a happy middle ground and that if she were to stay he would only violate her trust that he worked for over a decade to get (starting from the day they met) they decide to part on friendly terms. They pay for their meal and go home for the last time together. After assuring that Jackie is sure that she won’t be hurt by it and making sure she’s safely home, Trav meets up with the waitress at a motel.

PARAGRAPH 4
You want Jackie to flip complete shit. You must not have found Trav that adorable. In an irrational rage, Jackie whips the phone at Trav’s face. He wakes abruptly at first in a panic only to see a steaming Jackie in her pajamas and she does not look happy. He urges her to calm down but that only pokes the raging she-beast more. She starts yelling with a force that could scare titans back in to their mountain. She flings a robe over her shoulders and steps on to the balcony to smoke a cigarette. Worried about her health, Trav sheepishly follows and points out that she was doing so well on quitting. Much against his efforts, everything he says is worse. She feels betrayed. She feels hurt. And even though Trav didn’t screw the waitress he might as well have. Have you ever been so angry you could swing a cactus? Have you ever been so pissed you could beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker? Genghis Khan and Vlad the Impaler would be considering a tactical retreat at this point. A mix of alcohol and emotions causes her brain to go champagne supernova. She is beyond all reason. And while Trav fumbles over his words and tries to explain that he didn’t see it as a problem because he didn’t actually fuck her, muttering to himself how he should have at least hid the picture better, Jackie starts to get an eye twitch. Like lighting a match in front of Frankenstein. Trav, being a thin creature, is fast enough to get around her as she strikes with the fury of a thousand oppressed women. But being half awake, he fumbles on his footing and is hurled off of the balcony to his death with a metal pointed Victorian style fence post impaling his liver and kidney. That’s what he gets for allowing Jackie to have the master bedroom on the second floor. The neighbors hear him fall and Jackie shrieks. Why? Because he almost hit her car! Seriously, I don’t think basic car insurance covers that! The police come over and Jackie does what women have been doing for centuries. She lies. Convincingly. The viewing will be held at Jordan Funeral Home on Tuesday from 3pm to 7pm and Thursday from 11am to 3pm. The funeral will be held in Stockton Saturday at 2pm. And Jackie collected ALL the life insurance. All $589.32 after funeral costs.

PARAGRAPH 5
You want Jackie to get even. You tricky devil you. Upon discovering this image, she decides to beat him to the punch by turning to the deepest, darkest, most depraved part of the internet. Craigslist Casual Encounters. She quickly finds someone looking for a one night stand and gets ready with the quickness by throwing a trench coat over her babydoll nightie and lace boy shorts. With ninja stealth, she gets in her car and drives to the decided location to have anonymous and raunchy sex. The kind of sex you hope to whatever God you believe in that your grandmother never finds about. In the middle of letting a stranger or 6 do to her what she hasn’t even allowed Trav to do, she convinces them to all take pictures in the act and send them to his phone. It ends with a disgusting cream pie bukkake style image with a caption “BEAT YOU TO THE PUNCH.” And that’s what Trav wakes up to.

PARAGRAPH 6
Jackie realizes that this is her future. She caves in to her insecurities. She steps in to a shower to wash the feeling of worthlessness away but dammit, they just don’t make water hot enough. She slinks downstairs and throws her diet down the garbage disposal, watching late night episodes of Dr. Phil and eating potato chips by the Ruffles bag. She gains 95 pounds in less than a month and sleeps on the couch without telling Trav why. She insists everything is alright. This continues until the relationship and the friendship dissolves.

That was a fun exercise, wasn’t it? You might be asking yourself, Jackie… what point were you trying to make? Easy. Bitches are fucking crazy because we have dumb expectations and seem to have a hard time understanding why we’re upset. Your boyfriend doesn’t have to cheat on you to piss you off and make you go Hulk on someone using your shoes as a shank. You just have to think they have the desire. And a lot of women could take a page from the philosophies of Helen Fisher. Most women don’t understand why they’re upset. If you don’t know why you’re really upset, your counter part sure as hell won’t understand. It bleeds in to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Before you even engage in a serious relationship you should figure out who you are. But enough about that. You can go to the Wiki and read on your own time. You know, when I’m not on a soap box.

Now. What defines cheating? Most people draw the line at infidelity. Statistics show that a man will take physical infidelity worse while women are more scorn by the emotional cheating. Pick up a copy of Men Are From Mars. It covers that whole deal in that book. To cut down some of the reading process, understand that a relationship is a tripod. You need all three legs to be stable for a relationship to be stable. You must be financially stable. You must have stable trust and communication. And you must have stable romance. Romance does not equal sex. It’s that special closeness you feel, If you have financial issues as a couple then it will place stress on your communication and trust as well as your romantics with your companion. This will drive you to crumble. If you lack in trust and communication, well, I don’t have to tell you why that will blow up in your face like an Atom bomb. And if you don’t feel that degree of romanticism and closeness with your companion then you will find yourself reaching for this elsewhere. Why does infidelity hurt? I personally find that the pain comes from a violation of trust. Given my history and past I do not trust easy. So when that trust is violated it hits me hard and it’s very hard to get back. For some it could feed in to insecurities and inadequacy issues. If that’s the case, for the love of all that is holy go see a fucking shrink because you clearly have a deep rooted issue. If you find yourself in a series of failed relationships where you just can’t figure out why it hurts so much to be with someone and you feel you’d almost be better off alone, go be alone for a while and look at the common denominator. After typing for 6 pages, I’m exhausted on this topic. I might revisit it. But I’ve been typing this for over 4 hours.

On a completely unrelated note, I decided to try something new in the midst of my insomnia. I decided to make my own laundry soap, If this turns out to be a success, I will post the recipe I used. I currently do laundry for four (including myself) where two of us have a relative skin issue. Some detergents loaded with dyes and too many chemicals cause some skin irritation. I took a base laundry recipe (one bar of grated soap, one cup of cleaning soda, 2 gallons of water) and added a few things (such as white vinegar to assist in the release of residue and peroxide for organic stains) to mildly improve the process. I’m testing it later today on some hand washed garments. I have some high hopes in this!

And as far as finances go, my cousin Snow over at The 7 Flowers shared with me this brilliant finance goal for 2013. Please refer to the diagram below. I can’t wait to get started on this! I encourage you to check out her blog. Especially if you feel that being a military spouse, a mother, or raising children with autism is a special interest to you. As for me, I need coffee and a shower.

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